Conflict Habituation and Eternal Progress?

I have had the chance to spend time with some girlfriends of mine this past week. Friends that have never married, one 35 and one almost 50. Inevitably the subject of being single comes up and the question pondered, am I missing something by not being married? Am I missing some part of happiness? I remember wondering that exact same thing before I got married at 31.

For the me, even before I was married, the answer was “yes”. Like many new experience are unique I believed I was missing something. Like I had never gone to China, or gone parachuted out of a plane, I was missing out on knowing and feeling what that experience was like. But was there something more than the fact that marriage was just another experience? Because I had seen marriages that caused me to ask myself, “would I rather be married and happy or married?”, “What does marriage mean to me?”. “Why were some people in such unhappy marriages?”.

I remember wondering, before I got married if people were so afraid of being alone and feeling lonely that they would settle for a dysfunctional relationship that even the people involved in them believed they weren’t going anywhere…..isn’t it better to be with someone than with no one? It reminds me of the phrase “conflict habituation”. Some of these people were married “on paper” but to me they were really married. I think of it like this: emotionally healthy people have healthy ways of reaching out and connecting emotionally while having their needs met. Emotionally unhealthy people have unhealthy ways of reaching out and having their needs met. One of those ways is to initiate conflict, because conflict is emotionally intense, emotionally engaging, and even though it is unhealthy, the truth is, is that it has some kind of bonding effect between people. I think people who are who are emotionally wounded, who haven’t found healing are in protective mode and they fear getting hurt again. These are the people that utilize Conflict Habituation. It is a way for them to meet their emotional needs one of which is to emotionally bond with someone without making themselves vulnerable to further injury.
I had been a part of this exact kind of relationship, more than once, contributing my fair share of dysfunction and my own unhappiness. At one point in my life I wondered after several failed relationships if I had an addiction to this kind of relationship. I believe I was obsessed with trying to work out my parents relationship by reinventing their relationship over and over in my own life. One day I finally realized I wasn’t responsible for their dysfunctional relationship, but I was responsible for mine. Oh.
Strange as it is I believe as spiritual beings we have strong needs to emotionally connect with those we love, to feel bound together gives us a place of belonging. I believe our need to emotionally connect with each other evidences the inherent nature of our eternal relationships. They are powerfully connecting in an emotional way. Seeing and understanding our emotional selves and our need to express our needs in our eternal relationship expands our understanding that our eternal happiness depends on it.
So we have a deep need to emotionally connect with others even if it is painful. Feeling pain is a sign of being alive it means we still exist. Being on someone’s angry radar, is being on someone’s radar. I think the hard part of lacking emotional connection of any kind whisper to some of our greatest fears of being so isolated we are invisible, maybe even forgotten. To me this, in part, describes outer darkness. To someone involved in conflict habituation these are their thoughts. Their belief is that their relationships define them. Being in any relationship is better than being alone, ie. with no definition. Using outside things as a way of defining ourselves is a common practice for those struggling with emotional woundedness and self definition or identity. But have you ever had that moment of truth, that moment where you realize that those things don’t define you. The first time I had one of those moments it unraveled me. So many of things that I had worked so hard for, hoping that they would make me something, by way of defining me, was all false. I had rested most of my identity and how I measured my worth on these things.
In that moment of dark void I felt unraveled realizing that I had invested so much of my belief of self, all of my worth in temporary and superficial things….I had worked so hard for some of my relationships, titles and degrees. In that sobering moment I felt, heard and learned this truth:

external things don’t define me and they don’t give me worth.

Not my academic degrees, not my marital status, not money, not wealth of talent or looks, not a career whether motherhood or accountant, not status or if wonderful parents or spouse and children love me and believe in me. It isn’t politics, religion or rank or fame or the clothes I wear or don’t wear or the color of my skin, my weight, my hair or even my gender assignments.
One day I realized that the thing that defined me and give me worth was this:

That Heavenly Father had one Begotten Son, Jesus Christ who was valued above all, His dignity, His peace and comfort, His belief in His capabilities, His life was the price that was paid for me. My worth is reflected in the price that was paid for me. Both my Heavenly Father and Savior believed I was worth it.

Do I share in their belief in my worth? Do I trust them to really know me? I am certain I know myself say my blinding pride….would I support the very plan I believe I voted for in the pre-earth life, now, knowing myself in a fallen state? If you believe God is perfect and all knowing, it is hard to dispute Him.

I believe our priesthood covenants are further evidence of what the Father knows about us, His beliefs in us and how much He trusts us.

His atoning sacrifice blessed me with:

Baptism so that I might be clean, sanctified to receive the Holy Ghost…a perfect member of the Godhead….always to be with me…because He believed I was capable of discerning Light and Truth He wanted to magnify my abilities. He wasn’t only giving me a chance to repent and change; He was giving me the protection and the tools He knew I would need that would lead me to peace and joy.
He endowed me with Godliness, not after I died, but while I was young in my mortal journey. Knowing all my mortal limitedness of mind, body and spirit He believed that I could grow into that endowment, on earth. This is what I believe to be the grace of Christ. This just blows my mind. I’m trying to grow into this belief of self. I am continuously amazed as I trip and fall and ultimately question my abilities to progress toward perfection, I feel a constant reassurance from the Holy Ghost that my Heavenly Father knows I can do this, I am His daughter, I am of Divine Worth….these are ”things as they really are”….How do I honor that unflinching belief that He has in me? It inspires me to pick myself up, and keep moving forward with the hope that every birthday I can be a little more pure like the Savior, in charity. “Charity Never Faileth” isn’t solely about serving others, it is a guarantee to my personal happiness, now and forever.
But then as a crown upon my eternal head, He sealed me to my husband and in that moment my potential of an eternal creator of all things was set in motion…..a creator of an exalted relationship (what a commitment!), a creator of life here, a creator of powerful new spaces filled with love, care and peace in my home and in the universe. Ultimately I am a creator, at one with Light and Truth. He did not wait until I had proven myself perfect, He didn’t wait until I was dead or wise or old or better or enough….or until someone else approved of me. He stated clearly His belief in my Divine Worth and capabilities when He sent His only Begotten Son to be sacrificed so that I might choose to realize my Divine Worth, starting with my beliefs…..In all that He knows me, He trust me. Wow!

Funny in the end our happiness in marriage can be determined by our beliefs of our self. What do you believe in yourself?

If you could hie to Kolob,
In the twinkling of an eye,
And then continue onward
With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever,
Through all eternity,
Find out the generation
Where Gods began to be?

Or see the grand beginning,
Where space did not extend?
Or view the last creation,
Where Gods and matter end?
Methinks the Spirit whispers,
"No man has found 'pure space,'
Nor seen the outside curtains,
Where nothing has a place."

The works of God continue,
And worlds and lives abound;
Improvement and progression
Have one eternal round.
There is no end to matter;
There is no end to space;
There is no end to spirit;
There is no end to race.

There is no end to virtue;
There is no end to might;
There is no end to wisdom;
There is no end to light.
There is no end to union;
There is no end to youth;
There is no end to priesthood;
There is no end to truth.